Rumours

Today I got caught up in a very interesting situation at work. 

A colleague had heard something about me that two senior management were discussing in my absence and had told me she would tell me. For days, I thought about it and concluded I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to know. If the senior management wanted to spread anything but slander, they would find a way to eventually address it with me. And if it was mere slander, then I wasn’t interested. 

Something my Dad told me. “I don’t listen to their hearsay about me. Everyone has rumours about them but I don’t pay attention to mine...” It seemed my Dad wanted to tell me he focussed on what he needed to get done, and spent his energy on what he had been told directly “… but I don’t waste time on rumours, I don’t care.” He chose not to care, and now, I also choose same. 

Hey! I could be absolutely wrong, and absolutely regret not finding out what was said. But I’m willing to try it. To trust God more than the rumours. Not play ostrich, no. But to look up to God instead of the rumours. Ask God to keep defining me instead of the careless or malicious words of others. And I’m happy to be in the position to start this now. Not only with my first pregnancy but in the active positions of loving work friendships where I can be honest about my stand and have that stand respected. 

Pregnancy has taught me to trust God. Let go of being in control and just live by the hour. Enjoying energy when it comes and look forward to just a little more energy when it’s gone. I have learnt to forgive myself and just do my best within my circumstance. I’ve learnt not to blame anything or anyone but just bask in the now, thanking God for the now, counting my blessings instead of sulking about lost strength. 

These are attributes I never really thought I had, and I really hope wouldn’t go away with my first pregnancy. And I hope this approach at work won’t go with this pregnancy either. I plan to try it out for the next few years, stick to it and make it my mantra too. And if it sticks, that’d be heavenly. And if it doesn’t, well I was willing to try a strengthening of my faith over my own force battling against the force of others. Letting go and letting God truly take control. Allowing truth that is stronger than death itself to prevail without claiming it needs my help, without claiming it’s weak without me. Who am I when God is in control and the utmost Defender of truth? Who am I but His precious daughter Who He won’t allow to live unchecked at the right time? His precious daughter in whom He’d prefer she look up to Him than look around at slander. I’d have nothing but lessons in the next few years if it fails, but more than just confidence in God and in myself if it doesn’t. 

A humbling of some sorts, a relinquishing of rights for my absolute trust in God, a choice to choose Joy over and over again because He loves me so. An epiphany during my pregnancy I’d prefer not to let go. 

7:29am

- Pregnancy Diaries || Monday, 28th June, 2021 || 16 weeks, 6 days