The Promise

 Dear Ameley,

Guess what? You’re 34 weeks today! Isn’t that something! A few more weeks and we’d see your Kung Fu limbs that have been jabbing me so much and your gorgeous smile. The one you give when you taste your Dad’s shito and stretch to show your pleasure. Yes, we can’t wait, really 😅

I have heard of promises parents made their unborn children. I’ve even see a few made to their newly born sons and daughters. I was never inclined to make you a promise… but today, tonight, I am. 

The last few weeks have been tough, Ameley. I’m not sure if it’s pregnancy-driven or pregnancy-related but either way I really want to let you know that whatever the cause or relation, it was as human as humanity gets. I wept for so many reasons, and was broken by what would normally leave me with at most a sigh. I want you to know I could have been depressed even, but I want you to know even more that there’s nothing wrong with that. It was human and part of my experience and the trigger for the responses I can be proud of today. Ameley, circumstances can and sometimes will make you sad, but what’s more important than your tears by itself is what you would do about these circumstances. And I pray that whatever you choose to do, first you will willingly choose to do it, and more importantly you will willingly choose to honour God by it. 

Mummy has some scars for choosing to honour God. She also has some sour tastes in her mouth by the same choices. But Mummy is proud to make these choices even though sometimes they seem to pierce her very soul so excruciatingly. And now, even more than ever, Mummy hopes that you come to that realisation and willingness too. God’s Word affirms to us that those who hope in the Lord won’t be put to shame. Naa Ameley, our obedience is a sign of our hope and trust in God. I pray you experience this realisation personally and choose to bear your scars of obedience without shame. 

Aside the emotional tasking, I had a fine array of physical pains! New and old! Like my arms so painful, typing normally on my work laptop was an agonising chore. Or that sciatica that made me limp back and forth to the washroom in pain with the aid of a swivel chair all night long. That was one awful awful night. The second night was easier but still bad enough to mess up my sleep. 

And don’t forget the magnitude of info I had to process and physically assist with or partake in. My move to Kumasi. Amanda and her 3-day-old baby. Grandpa being admitted at the hospital. Grandma exhausted but holding on. Amanda admitted at the hospital. Fluffy the dog being admitted. Your cousin’s, Akua’s, energy and mischief. Some personal issues I was exposed to. And then there was the constant fatigue from this 3rd trimester and then work with all its wahalas… Yhup, a whole lot! No wonder I cried… a lot… lol 

I was as human as human can be. And I wanted to be sure I noted this but also let you know I appreciate my “human-ness” in all of this. Because I want you to grow bold and confident, our Naa Ameley, knowing that no matter how you express your humanity, our angel, you can celebrate it amidst the pain and honour God even when you’re drenched in the rain. 

And this is where I promise you, Naa. I will do my very best to help you know God and willingly choose Him over all everyday. I will do my very best to celebrate who you are so there’s little need to doubt or reject who you’re cut out to be. I know we’d have our differences but I’d do my best to still celebrate your uniqueness. You’d be a special child to us and I will do my best to keep relying on God to be the mother He wants me to be to you, everyday and in every way. 

Naa Ameley, having been through these past few weeks, with me still wiping some tears, I realise how important knowing God personally does help. And I promise that as long as I live, with the ability that God gives, I would do what I can to help you find God too. 

I love you, our Naa Ameley. Never forget Daddy and Mummy love you, no matter the age you’d be. 

With lots of love, 

Your Mum, 

Ofosua 

Pregnancy Diaries || 11:12pm || Tuesday, 26th October, 2021 || 34 weeks 0 days

Help

 Celebrating the incredible end to a terrible terrible tiring week with a late breakfast in bed, the beautiful sound of heavy downpour outside and Ariosua reacting “kicking-ly” to my late meal, I think I’d add an entry to my Pregnancy diary 😊

By the way, Ariosua likes Cheerios so I’m not surprised. And it’s past 11am so I guess s/he’s happy I’ve gotten round to fixing breakfast for us. Horlicks, Cheerios, VitaMilk energy and hot and cold water 😂😂😂 surely a celebration fit for the week I’ve had! 

As usual, there’s a tonne of topics to choose from but I’d pick only one: Help.

Nowadays, I wake up with so much pain in my left arm that it’s practically useless for anything in the first hour or so. You may have no idea how thankful I am that though my right arm may not be pain-free either, it can at least open our bedroom door and get me to the washroom — and lift the toilet seat if needed. My right arm can also type in those early hours of my waking and get me to read my devotional online and sometimes catch up on messages. 

All this has made me truly appreciate and ask for help. 

I generally don’t shy away from asking for help, but one thing to know about me is, if I do ask for help then I actually need it. I may never ever ask for help if I feel I can manage on my own. No lie. I’d rather choose not to do something than ask for help to do what I can manage on my own. I love my sense of independence that much. It feels uselessly stubborn at times but I guess that’s a trait I can’t deny. Even worse, if there’s an inkling that the help I’ve asked for won’t be given, I won’t even bother. See why I call it stubborn? 

But unfortunately for this trait of mine, my life has been littered with moments I have had to ask for help, even if it seemed a bother to someone else. It’s been humbling. Especially in times I’ve been ill. And with Ariosua on the way, my word, has it been humbling! 

That’s why I can look to my painful hands in the morning and tell myself, “It’s okay to ask for help”. 

You won’t imagine the help I’ve asked for… okay… maybe you would, but I can’t imagine it because… well… I’d rather not if I could. 

Our choice to move to Kumasi for the birth is a cry for help. 

Me asking 3 different people to help me carry my bag yesterday and a greater number on Wednesday to do same when I was out of the house is help I’d barely ask for… ever…

Shall we talk about house chores? I mean basic basic house chores, not the “hard ones” I can’t even wash a mug or even a small bowl anymore because of what they do to my painful hands!! I no longer interact with or feed our dogs, and I can barely take any filled utensil off our stove. I can barely cook because I can’t stand the world of scents! 

Sometimes I can’t pick or make important calls because I’m just not well enough to so someone else has to do that for me. There are some clothes I can no longer wear without assistance. And now I have to ask for permission to catch my breath during presentations at work 🤦🏾‍♀️

Oh and there’s more. I couldn’t have managed any of the baby shopping without my cousin, Charlotte, or my Mum and Sister-in-law in Kumasi. I already hate shopping to begin with 🤦🏾‍♀️ I keep saying my perfect shop is think of a need, need automatically bought at the right price and preference, bank account deducted, need shipped to my door. Finish. That model doesn’t exist yet so I guess I still get to hate shopping 😂😂😂 

I’m unable to eat loads of stuff or go out much so specific foods are literally brought to me to get me and Ariosua going and growing well. And unfortunately too, some foods no longer exist in my house because of my aversions or they operate under the contraband goods category that are only consumed when I’m not close by. I’ve called a tonne of people (who already have incredibly busy schedules) at work to hold the fort for me as I got detained at yet another medical emergency. And did someone say baby shower? Well, that too… 

I wish I could type more instances I’ve had to stop and ask for help but it’d make this entry incredibly long! 

So today I am so grateful to everyone and anyone who’s stepped in to help me one way or the other. From my random bag holders to ones who allowed me to rant my heart out to the ones that just had simple chats with me on WhatsApp to the one who rubs my painful back. I wish I could name you all one by one, but even with counting these people in my head I’m drawn to tears… and no, this isn’t hormonally-driven tears 😂😂 they’re the tears I shed any day when I’m truly grateful. 

I would be startled if Ariosua grows to not be anything like us in this help category. I may be bad but I think Ariel is worse 😆😆😆 I may be proud if s/he’s independent and enjoys being so. (Maybe we’d get to know his/her gender today, then I can stop using double pronouns for her/him… loooollllzz!!) But I know I’d be pleased if s/he realises and keeps remembering that we are human, not islands, and it’s ok to ask for and accept help with grace when we need it. I’d be very very pleased. 

God bless everyone who’s helped me. And thank God for the honest humility to ask for help. My pregnant world would be unbearable without it! Yes, pregnancy isn’t a disease and thankfully has an end, but it’s one to get a lot of help for, and I’m truly grateful that I’m blessed with so so much from so so many places.

I’d remember this when I next see a pregnant woman… 

11:59am

Pregnancy Diaries || Saturday, 25th September, 2021 || 29 weeks, 4 days

Getting Ready

This may be my shortest entry yet. 

Ariosua seems to be moving his/her head down. I can now feel stretches and kicks in my upper torso, and sometimes see my skin undeniably move with those soft stretches. Unfortunately, I’m still the only one who’s seen and felt her/his undeniable movements, not the hidden ones no else but I see/feel. 

Ariosua is getting ready for the birth too. And maybe, because of this, we’d finally know if s/he’s a he or she this weekend. 

It’s been a really late night tonight for many reasons. However, tonight’s movements, in spite of this really late night, are a wonderful wonderful feeling: slow, intentional, gentle, enchanting. I definitely didn’t want to forget this one. And I hope Ariosua reads about this night one day… 

Another mild thump identified… the moves continue… 

 

1:20am

Pregnancy Diaries || Wednesday, 22nd September, 2021 || 29 weeks, 1 day

Welcome to Trimester 3!!

I was toggling between writing about my realisation of the sudden loss of energy I’m experiencing or my excitement that now I look quite pregnant and I’m pleased as punch!! 

Welcome to Trimester 3!! We’re on to the last round 🥳

But I guess I’d write about both… lol… long read ahead, I guess… 

The sudden loss of energy… 

I read about it, heard about it, but never ever imagined it this way! I was speaking with a friend, Tammy, tonight and I tried to describe it to her in my latest “power cut” version. 

Imagine, you’re happily playing music on the “radio”, enjoying the fan being on, even enjoying working from home on your laptop, there’s something cooking in the microwave and all of a sudden, the lights go off, power cuts, internets goes with it, you’re left with “nothing”… 

Yhup! That’s how I feel right now! 

They say it may get worse, I feel it could get better once my body seems to get the memo — right now I’d cut it some slack and say it’s still shocked. Well I’m shocked… I went from hero to zero so fast on energy levels you’d think Ghana’s Volta River Authority was a person running for President with no rains in Northern Ghana and with a sudden cause to announce a dumsor period to the Nation that must vote for her #AllPunsIntended 

It’s not even funny. I’m struggling to work, struggling to get up in the morning, struggling, just struggling… they weren’t wrong about the honeymoon trimester 2. Though I didn’t get that sudden surge of energy at the beginning of it — mine kinda crept on me — I surely did get zapped out of those amazing energy levels the last few days… like the power cut… abruptly… some switch just went off… leaving me with “nothing”… 

That said, it’s also a beautifully quiet reminder that it’d be over soon. I’m in no hurry for Ariosua to show her/his face earlier than due, but knowing that this exhaustion is over soon is heartwarming.

But then, as my friend, Valerie, put it tonight, I won’t be just exhausted then, I’d be exhausted with a crying baby 😂😂😂😂 Bless her, she made me laugh alright! 

The pregnancy look 🤩… 

I never ever thought I’d say this… or even do a little happy dance tonight in front of the mirror because of it but I’m excited that I’m finally starting to look pregnant… whoooooooossshhh!! 

At first I dreaded it, then got so proud of not “looking” pregnant, then got totally frustrated that I had to actually verbally let people know I was pregnant and now that my nose is popping and my bump is showing… Uuuuuuweeeeeee! I’m so happy! 

I’ve fit in most of my pre pregnant clothes without a fuss. I’ve lost a lot of weight so I’m actually surprised Ariosua and myself are still healthy. So that was a plus. I also was thankful I didn’t look pregnant when I wasn’t ready to let others know I was, especially right after the first trimester when we had started breaking our silence on it. First trimester was hard, oh my, it was hard, and thanks to some medical opinions, keeping quiet was helpful in keeping me in a better state to hold Ariosua in with all the medical tracking and assistance I could get. I guess they were right. 

Then when we started announcing and I’d get the “But you don’t look pregnant” comments, I’d beam with instant pride! “I look fly, don’t I?” But sometimes it could be shattering, including the day I wore my “I’m pregnant” outfit to the office to announce my good news without saying so! And it didn’t announce itself 🙄 I still bore… my friend, Delight, was at the office that day and can attest to both: how it didn’t show and how upsetting it was for me. All that effort to look pregnant down the drain… just like that!

Then when I felt all those around me could see the change, I had one more hurdle to cross: the innocent bystanders who didn’t know me from Adam. 

Imagine having to tell the Uber driver to go over bumps slowly only to close-to scream in shock and then almost immediately threaten him with some form of “do you want a child born in your car today?” expression after he decided that the bump he went so quickly over wasn’t a bump enough? Yhup… frustrating!

Or go with me down memory lane, just about 2 weeks round today’s corner, to the time I had to carry my collection of books and other items that had my sketches to an interview in one big “tote” bag. I signed in at the entrance, a few steps from where I had parked the car and then asked for help to carry my bag into the building. The impressively-dressed security man look bewildered: as if I’d asked him to quit his job and sing and clap for me up the stairs. That’s when he started explaining that he can’t leave his post, blah blah blah. I could have cried then, I’m not used to asking for help. So I said, “Oh, I can’t carry it myself. I really need the help. I’m pregnant”. It’s like a light bulb lit brightly in his head and suddenly his narrative became more helpful. He didn’t carry it because he honestly couldn’t leave his post but he was so “caring” and “more helpful” after that. Hmmmmmm. Frustrating… 

Or the time I went to the bank and after all my deep breaths, sighs and occasional groans, I asked if I could eat my chocolate bar and was invited to do so. Thinking my bulging tummy was obvious, I was shocked to be compared to a male friend of this banker who sat before me. His friend also had to eat sweets to keep his sugar levels up. I asked if his friend was diabetic and he said no but just had to do so if he was getting hungry. So I commented I had been away from home a while and needed to eat soon because my low sugar levels were being caused and aggravated by my baby who was fussing then… You should have seen this banker’s shock and heard it in his “You’re pregnant?” ask. And then we spent the next 10 mins or so with him telling me how he didn’t know I was pregnant, I don’t look it, blah blah blah… Can you imagine I left home with the undeniable conviction that I looked pregnant? But no, I just looked like a lady with a fat belly 🤦🏾‍♀️ I now notice ladies with large bellies and wonder if that’s how I appeared to these men. Frustrating! 

But nowwwww, see me! In less than 2 weeks my nose doesn’t only look large and pregnant right after I wake up in the mornings but large and pregnant all day every day🤩. And if face masks were still a blocker, see my bump now… whooosshh… it’s like the Lord “goes” before me now in this belly of mine 😂😂😂

I know I don’t look as huge as the average pregnant woman this far into my journey but at least now I look pregnant. Finish!!! Nose and all!!! 🤩

I’m actually laughing at myself now. I’m not sure if I’d feel the same way next week or next month even. But that won’t stop me from celebrating now in spite of the continued aversions and indigestion episodes that have plagued me all through this pregnancy, including the episode that’s keeping me wide awake tonight 🤦🏾‍♀️

So here’s to marking the beginning of Trimester 3 🍾🥂with an exhausting reminder of who’d be “here” soon, a finally-significant pregnancy nose, and a large enough belly that I hope won’t be mistaken for sheer obesity anymore. Here’s to a beautiful trimester ahead, because you better be a good one to me, Trimester 3 😂😂 I’m tired… so tired already… as Zouli, my colleague, used to say to me before she went on maternity leave, “Je suis fatigué.”

11:00pm

Pregnancy Diaries || Tuesday, 14th September, 2021 || 28 weeks, 0 days 

Always Important

 Always important. 

That’s what I’m learning even more each day. Ariosua is always important. (Yhup, we’re yet to confirm her/his gender). And sometimes because s/he’s always important, sometimes s/he’s the only one I need to attend to urgently. 

I’m sure you’ve heard of the Eisenhower matrix and how it helps you decide what you must do and when you must do it. Well, when it comes to our Ariosua, s/he’s mostly in the Urgent and Important quadrant. 

Because I have to keep him/her safe, you’d find me drinking lots of water in a day and tripping to the bathroom as soon as I need to go. I’ve come to realise no discussion on any online meeting, work or otherwise, would be worth pre-term contractions from a UTI I could have avoided, or at least reduced its gravity. None. So I’ve learnt to say, “Team, please give me 3 minutes, I need to step away from the call; I’d be back” and then dash to the washroom or grab another helping of water. No reasons needed, team responsibly informed so life can “go on” without me whilst I do my part to preserve the life, this precious gift to us, that’s “growing” inside of me. 

Always important… 

Because Ariosua is always important and s/he needs to be fed well, I’ve probably found more ways to stop crashing. I still struggle to eat properly. As a foodie, it’s quite frustrating to be appalled by things I’d once grab and eat without thinking. I can’t seem to eat chicken, fish, and sometimes meat anymore. Especially those with the slightest hint of garlic (before Ariosua came along, I used to loooove garlic as a spice). The thought alone can make me puke, trust me this isn’t an exaggeration, let me just spare you the details but it’s that bad. But because Ariosua is important, I stick to my 2 eggs everyday! Ariel sometimes likes to laugh at me that I’m now a snake who’s addicted to eggs. I might as well be at this rate 😂😂😂 after all, I still have an acute sense of smell that could make those sniffer dogs at the airports jobless. For all you know I could smell cancer if I knew what those other “special” dogs smelt to detect it. 

I digress… 

Aside my two eggs, I’d currently eat a tonne of lettuce each day because onions are a hit and miss and carrots are now disgusting on most days. Plus many other veggies are hard to even be by! Who would have imagined that I wouldn’t be able to share a room with peas or fresh tomatoes? Or beans on a “bad day”? Sometimes it’s so sad, this whole aversion thing, but I’m thankful pregnancy isn’t permanent. I’d get my old me back soon GW. The midwives’ advice to follow the cravings I’ve had helps keep my plate diversified somehow, and my doctor-cousin, Muffet, and doctor-friend, Eyram, really have helped me make awesome food choices. Because the fear of depriving your child of essential nutrients can be extremely terrifying. I’ve cried before because of this fear. Really grateful to each of them. 

So yes, Ariosua is always important. S/he dictates my sleep patterns and how much sleep I need to get nowadays, how much exercise I can do, if I go to the hospital or not, the emotions I choose to indulge in because I honestly can’t be stressing him/her for any nonsense thereof, even the presence of the chocolate bar in my bag anytime I step out of the house for more than an hour because I can’t risk crashing from low sugar levels. S/he definitely dictates our “sparse” shopping list nowadays, that list used to be tall! Now, there’s only as much as I can stomach myself or tolerate around me. Yhup, Ariel gets hit too, unfortunately. S/he forces me to eat everyday even though on some days I really wonder why God just didn’t allow us to imbibe nutrients from the atmosphere by Osmosis or some other means. Can you imagine this was a thought that was close to a nightmare for me because of my love for food? 😂 Now see me wishing it was a beautiful dream come true. 😆 “This world is not our home”, it’s true 🤦🏾‍♀️

I love Ariosua. I really do. I love her/him here. Making moves in my belly and reminding me that s/he’s the one we’ve been praying for. I also love that s/he’s taught me a lot about prioritisation and living by the hour, literally!! I thought I knew how to do so but now I know I didn’t know as much. 

It’s great to have her/him here. And I guess I understand how babies are the forever boss, always important, dictating our lives and yet always captivating us in love, even before they’re born 🥰 

Looking forward to meeting you outside this body of mine, Ariosua 😘😘 Eagerly looking forward 🥰🥲😍

5:25pm GMT 

Pregnancy Diaries || Thursday, 9th September, 2021 || 27 weeks, 2 days 

Distracted

This afternoon I’m sitting in a hospital OPD waiting area with a full bladder, rubbing my ringless finger and wondering what to write as I wait for the doctor to return and conduct a scan… 

Funny thing is it took such a long time for my bladder to fill up that now I need simple distractions to keep holding it, including rubbing the depression my wedding bands have created on my currently fat fingers. Till I got pregnant, I never knew massively full bladders were needed for certain scans. Lucky me, I guess… lol

So today I’d write about something I’ve been dying to type for a while. My current pregnancy look. Let’s save the ringless finger for another day… 

For starters, my current pregnancy weight already halfway through my journey is still less than my pre-pregnancy weight 😂😂😂 Not being able to eat and having terrible aversions in Trimester 2 may be the biggest drivers for this. Some pregnant women try to prevent their diet-based sugar levels from going up, I get to join the crew that try to prevent themselves from crashing each day just because we don’t have enough diet-based energy. Thankfully, I’m currently not underweight, plus pre-pregnancy BMIs would have placed me in some overweight category, so it’s all good, for me, the baby and extra icecream 😋

Oh dear, I leaned back in this trio of chairs and almost emptied my bladder in shock! Note to self: not leaning back in this seat again till bladder is relieved. 

Where were we? Yes… Icecream 😋

So I definitely don’t look pregnant. Unless you know me and my pre-pregnancy self you may just think I’m a fat lady with a large belly. Funny… I never had that being said of me because… 

Wait! Oh, no, they didn’t! I just got crossed a second time after the doctor returned by another pregnant lady who I’m sure has no full bladder like mine! Complained to the nurse and her response stunned me into silence. Almost rude silence but how can you say, “But you didn’t tell me” Ei madam… 

Okay as you can see, my pregnancy-look tales are being interrupted. I may have to save that and the ringless finger thoughts for another day. 

Yayyy… got called in. Played with the depression on my finger as I didn’t have access to my phone on the examining table and had to wait for the doctor again. Took the time to apologise to the nurse for my likely rudeness whilst she was trying to explain how lines of communication had been broken. Got the scan. Then had to run to the bathroom right after. Thank God it’s over. I also waited for my bag to be handed back to me because I left it in the consulting room when I had to rush out. It got held up because another more private examination was ongoing when I returned to get it. Thankfully, I have it now. At this moment, I have to wait… again… for the rest of my assessment and final verdict. Let’s see how all that goes. At least now, I don’t have to pray nothing gives me strong emotions to trigger something I won’t be able to control. You should have seen me stop laughing immediately I realised good strong emotions were still bad triggers whilst I was on the examining table. Massive relief! Still in the trio of chairs and can’t get myself to lean back even if I tried. I guess transient situational trauma is real. Lol. Still waiting, and still going on multiple trips to the bathroom. I guess I can’t expect one trip to do the trick. Lol. Looking forward to a smooth end of today… 

4:04pm

Pregnancy Diaries || Wednesday, 11th August, 2021 || 23 weeks, 1 day

Grandma Oh No

Two nights ago, I got my first “negative” reaction to breaking the news to a friend I work with. Of all the things I expected her to say, it definitely wasn’t her, “Oh no oooo!” And now she’s officially won the title, “Grandma Oh No” so I can never cease explaining this name to our curious grandchildren, and hopefully keep up my forever tease of her. Nana Aba, you know no logical defence will save you from this situation, right? I can’t stop laughing. Here’s to the beginning of immortalisation. 

So aside Grandma Oh No’s reaction, every reaction so far has been pleasant, supportive and/or excited. I understand some may not be genuine and others may come with the unpleasant realisation that I won’t be around to do the work they know me for when I’m off to deliver Ariosua (yhup, we still don’t know the baby’s sex yet). I also understand not every expectant mother has had the privilege I’ve had with positive reactions, including false negatives like Nana Aba’s. So I am definitely enjoying the reactions either way, and thankful for them too. 

But the reaction I enjoy the most is my own. I’ve come to realise that if you’ve waited for and worked for something you want badly, any wait is still “too long”. I still remember my own reaction when I finally had my first positive pregnancy test this life has ever offered me. Or when it was Mother’s Day this year and I could beam with secret pride that I too could be counted amongst women who bear a child. Or my triumphant “Happy Father’s Day” to Ariel later on without the guilt of stealing from the category of men who were being celebrated that day. Yes, any wait is “too long” no matter how short it is. 

Ariosua has been an answer to prayer, literally. And many who’ve heard the news from me may also have heard me say, “My family and I are really happy. We’ve been looking forward to this for so long and it’s such a joyous time for us”. And truly it is! I’m having a baaayyybeeee!! 

As I reflect on my reactions to this, especially the ones that plaster a smile on my face, Mary, mother of Jesus, also comes to mind. Surely her circumstance was different, but one thing the gospels keep noting about her, “And Mary pondered all these things in her heart” Now see me, pondering these, and truly thankful that I could be favoured in this way. It’s nice to share such brief moments with a figure known so well from the Scriptures. A pondering in my heart… 

Ariosua, I hope one day you and your siblings grow up to read this. And remember that, it’s truly lovely to have others celebrate with you but it is perhaps the most euphoric thing in the world is when you can genuinely and personally celebrate God for all that He is doing for you, no matter what it is.

7:22am 

Pregnancy Diaries || Friday, 6th August, 2021 || 22 weeks, 3 days

Your Body, Your Baby

This is Your body. This is Your baby. Please show me what to do. 

I found myself saying these words today as I lay in bed deciding to wake up or sleep some more. I’d been up really late finishing a task that was overdue and needed to be addressed before I totally run out of any more time this week. By the time it was bedtime I knew I’d miss the opening session of a key training I’d join other facilitators at work to lead this week and the week after. The opening session was mandatory for all facilitators. All. 

Priorities seem to guide me by the hour. I promised myself I’d be kind to me. We’ve waited for Ariosua’s arrival for what seems like so long that I wasn’t going to be the one to mess it up. Ariosua isn’t his/her name yet, I love to do that for unborn children of people I know, combine the names of their parents so our little one is Ariosua until further notice. 

With all the changes that be, no wonder I’m guided by the hour. I promised to be kind to me but also be responsible about it. I won’t just vanish, or not show up, but I won’t ignore the consequences of my actions either. 

Most times I’m sure, other days I’m confident enough to wing it and stick by it. This morning I honestly had to pray, “This is Your body, this is Your baby. Show me what to do.” Because sometimes the simple decision to sleep in a few more minutes or wake up and start an already late day is like God’s intervention! Really it is! 

I mentioned to a friend, Delight, that I salute our mothers. They survived, thrived in, lost in, loved in, grew in pregnancy without the Internet. Only folk tales and hearsay and gut feel and the scientific evidence they had access to but they had all of us and the ones they lost along the way. I salute our parents, our mums and dads. To me, they possibly prayed even more than I did or perhaps less with the information they had, “This is Your baby, this is Your body. Show me the way.” 

I got up when I realised my exhausted body had not woken up for the night’s pee, my risks of UTIs and its potential harm to Ariosua. So I got up to pee even though my brain could confirm that I could enjoy another hour’s sleep without issues. And that was it. I was up. Exhausted but up. 

Now I have very little time to complete my pending work even with all the time I’ve gained by missing the opening session at work. And even less time (probably no time) if I take our 6-month-old puppy to the vet because she’s been sick for a while and I don’t want to wait to the weekend to “see” if she’d live or not. 

And so the prayer continues… “This is Your body, Your baby, Your puppy, the job You’ve blessed me with and want me to be a good steward of… Show me what to do.”

And the list may keep growing. Isn’t it a deep and amazing joy that our Father in Heaven hears us, listens so carefully to us, even with prayers we know we need but doesn’t always make sense? Because more than an answer to prayer, we need Him. Him. And He gives so much of Himself to us even before we ask, let alone when we do. 

This is Your body, Your baby, Your puppy, the job You’ve blessed me with, the time You’ve given me to live, Your life, Your words on my fingertips, Your worship, Your day that You created, Your chosen destiny for me to take hold of, Your love for me, O God… Please show me what to do. 

9:13am

Pregnancy Diaries || Tuesday, 13th July, 2021 || 19 weeks, 0 days

Controlled Breathing

Controlled breathing! What a Godsend! 

Yesterday, I listened to a lady answer a question about Christian meditation and not getting involved in occultism. She mentioned she was aware that some meditative positions in yoga paid homage to other gods but she also personally benefited from meditation where she focused on her breathing. She even recommended a Christian guided meditation leader she knew of.

Weird intro to a pregnancy diary but waaaait for it! 

After suffering from painful bloating for days, I’d had enough. I’d spent the afternoon reading about a tonne of home remedies, one of them being: “just relax”. Then I remembered a friend of mine, Eyram, mentioning how breathing techniques were really useful to her during labour. 

Surely! This pain wasn’t labour but it was still terrible! I looked up labour breathing and discovered Lamaze breathing. 

Nothing scary in the write up that ran through a simple, but not fully conclusive guide for Lamaze breathing. I gave it a try and whoooooaaahhhh!!! Am I still amazed at the results! 

So it didn’t eliminate the bloating itself but after a few runs for some minutes, I instantly felt the relief of no pain. Mahhhnnn am I still happy. 🥳🥳

The joys of motherhood include victories like these. Our little Ariosua has been letting me know s/he’s there with all her/his movement, sometimes making painful bloats even more unbearable. And now thanks to something as simple as breathing, those bad pregnancy days just got a tad easier on me. Doesn’t that make us glad? 

5:02pm

- Pregnancy Diaries || Sunday, 11th July, 2021 || 18 weeks, 5 days

Aversions

Aversions. It’s a real beast. 

I feel any “negative” pregnancy symptom that isn’t experienced is a blessing. One that I’m blessed to realise the blessing of its absence because I actually experience it is this: aversions. 

Currently, I’m hidden away in my room because of it. And it’s weird how something as simple as boiled plain rice can make me head to the hills. Such a common Ghanaian staple, and it sends me to my room like a stubborn 8 year old 😂😂 Let me not start listing the others before I have to head to the…. 

And some wonder why I haven’t stepped foot in or anywhere near our work canteen. Hmmmm… it’s going to be you and me, Oats-from-a-mug, for lunches at work for quite a while if these aversions don’t get significantly better soon. 

Whilst some aversions can be avoided, others need to be borne long enough to prevent me from graduating to a cookie toss. So I’ve developed a breathing-through-my-mouth technique that helps me survive a few minutes of whatever aversion it is without drama. Often enough time to use the washroom and hide again if “love” is in the air 😅

Before pregnancy, I can hand-on-heart say I underestimated the power of aversions and their psychological impact. Imagine! Now a billboard showcasing a picture of freshly boiled rice can put me off totally… and now even as I envision this my mouth starts to build a good flow of “water”. I need to calm my thoughts before this escalates any further to running to the washroom. 🤦🏾‍♀️

Amazing how our bodies work. Even more amazing with the joys of carrying a child. My aversions have peaked and dipped over many weeks and the sheer variety of it all is amazing. Some have remained a constant from the early weeks. Others seem to join the club later. Whilst others I can only test the waters to actually see if I’d react badly or not. 

Test and learn. Another thing almost guaranteed on this incredible but definitely beautiful journey, aversions or not. 

8:32pm 

- Pregnancy Diaries || Tuesday, 6th July, 2021 || 18 weeks, 0 days

Rumours

Today I got caught up in a very interesting situation at work. 

A colleague had heard something about me that two senior management were discussing in my absence and had told me she would tell me. For days, I thought about it and concluded I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to know. If the senior management wanted to spread anything but slander, they would find a way to eventually address it with me. And if it was mere slander, then I wasn’t interested. 

Something my Dad told me. “I don’t listen to their hearsay about me. Everyone has rumours about them but I don’t pay attention to mine...” It seemed my Dad wanted to tell me he focussed on what he needed to get done, and spent his energy on what he had been told directly “… but I don’t waste time on rumours, I don’t care.” He chose not to care, and now, I also choose same. 

Hey! I could be absolutely wrong, and absolutely regret not finding out what was said. But I’m willing to try it. To trust God more than the rumours. Not play ostrich, no. But to look up to God instead of the rumours. Ask God to keep defining me instead of the careless or malicious words of others. And I’m happy to be in the position to start this now. Not only with my first pregnancy but in the active positions of loving work friendships where I can be honest about my stand and have that stand respected. 

Pregnancy has taught me to trust God. Let go of being in control and just live by the hour. Enjoying energy when it comes and look forward to just a little more energy when it’s gone. I have learnt to forgive myself and just do my best within my circumstance. I’ve learnt not to blame anything or anyone but just bask in the now, thanking God for the now, counting my blessings instead of sulking about lost strength. 

These are attributes I never really thought I had, and I really hope wouldn’t go away with my first pregnancy. And I hope this approach at work won’t go with this pregnancy either. I plan to try it out for the next few years, stick to it and make it my mantra too. And if it sticks, that’d be heavenly. And if it doesn’t, well I was willing to try a strengthening of my faith over my own force battling against the force of others. Letting go and letting God truly take control. Allowing truth that is stronger than death itself to prevail without claiming it needs my help, without claiming it’s weak without me. Who am I when God is in control and the utmost Defender of truth? Who am I but His precious daughter Who He won’t allow to live unchecked at the right time? His precious daughter in whom He’d prefer she look up to Him than look around at slander. I’d have nothing but lessons in the next few years if it fails, but more than just confidence in God and in myself if it doesn’t. 

A humbling of some sorts, a relinquishing of rights for my absolute trust in God, a choice to choose Joy over and over again because He loves me so. An epiphany during my pregnancy I’d prefer not to let go. 

7:29am

- Pregnancy Diaries || Monday, 28th June, 2021 || 16 weeks, 6 days

Bloating

 Bloating… 

So initially I thought nausea, vomiting and general loss of appetite would be the only thing that would prevent me from eating something… guess what… bloating is its own beast and champion. 

Today, I ordered Starbite beef burger. I was starving at 3pm after my sparse meals all day, I knew more bananas wouldn’t save me. 

And suddenly, I wanted Starbite beef meat pie, then the Starbite burger, and as I placed my order on phone, I wanted the Starbite apple crumble as well. I’d have ordered a raspberry and yoghurt muffin in addition but they had run out at the Tema branch. I waited for my feast to be delivered and realised I was going to pay hard for this. 

Halfway through my burger, I knew I had to stop eating. I didn’t and finished it off but then I couldn’t get myself to consume the delicious fries. Hm… the crumble and pie made its way to the fridge. 

Craving stuff at your fingertips that you can’t eat out of sheer sensibilities is torture! One of the reasons I look forward to sleep tonight, just to end the cravings and usher me into a tomorrow that gives me a fresh opportunity to finally eat my currently chilling treasures. 

This thing called bloating…

I only have a slight baby bump now, nothing massive, quite unnoticeable under fairly loose clothing. But funny enough, it’s my bloated tummy that makes me “look pregnant”. From day one, it’s looked bigger and “moved forward” way more than my lower abdomen like a bulging muffin top. I’m sure my baby bump may have been noticeable a little earlier if my constantly bloated upper belly didn’t hide it. 

My diet’s changed a lot too. Pepper could make me throw up just from too much bloat. Oil isn’t my friend. Powdered and Evaporated Milk are pretty good enemies to me now. And I can’t have oranges after 12noon any more. I’ll speak to aversions another day but my bloaters pretty much cancel out most of our Ghanaian meals, and pretty much slay 80% of my cravings on the altar of “don’t touch me”. My darling kontomire abomu died at that altar too… I still mourn my loss driven by its pepper, rich groundnut paste and palm oil… boi! 

So here I am, 22:49, paying for my Starbite crime against my pregnancy. At least, it’s worth it and it’s pretty kind tonight. Unlike the coconut gari soakings I had that contained powdered milk. I could barely get a comfortable position to sleep in that night, and the following day my tummy was sore for hours!

Now my average intake each day consists of 2 bananas (it has to be the local variant - shorter, more tangy bananas), one orange (not the local ones, but the ones that are the colour orange evenly all round), 2 boiled eggs, a cup of oats, if I’m lucky I’d have almonds or cashews, and sometimes fruit and fibre with my oats. And that’s it! Juice may follow and of course, plenty of water. No wonder I’m losing weight. 

One of the things I won’t miss when pregnancy is over is this… the limited ability of a Foodie to simply eat at will, just because of the risk of intense bloating. Sigh. 

I miss being adventurous with food. Now I just have to be patient with myself and my body as she manufactures a whole new life in me…. Such a delightful thought to end with, a higher calling by all means. 

11:09pm

- Pregnancy Diaries || Wednesday, 23rd June, 2021 || 16 weeks, 1 day

Naps and Vaccines

Today I confirmed my decision to not get the COVID-19 vaccine jab at the office tomorrow.

Not because of the jab or our baby but because of the distance to work, the associated fatigue, and our online cake tasting show this weekend. 

It’s amazing how now I’m basing almost every decision on how tired I am or could feel afterwards. I never even imagined this should happen to a perfectly healthy person. Not that we don’t take decisions based on our energy levels, but to do so for every decision is amazing!

Lazy… that is what I would call it before feeling this way during pregnancy. Even the time I was on medications that made me drowsy, I’d still be prone to this thought. But now, the world can call it what it wants, even past me has the permission to call it what she wants. To me, it’s a survival skill, just having enough energy to get through the day’s priorities. 

Perhaps pregnancy for some teaches us to face our inadequacies not with shame and resentment but with responsibility and resilience. 

I am tired, I need a nap, I take a nap. I need to take a nap in a time that involves others, I respectfully excuse myself but not vanish without notice (as much as I can help it, which for me now, is all the time). Someone has an opinion about my nap, well they can have it, I’ll have my nap because I need it not because I want it. As much as I choose things based on my physical limitations, I also choose them to support my mental health. And sometimes that’s why informing others who need to know that I’m away for a bit contributes to it. I honestly may not care half as much or admit that I actually do care that much, but I’m also doing what I’m doing to ensure I’m in my best state when I return to them, if I return to them. And if I’m tired and don’t need a nap, I don’t take it. I just carry on, or take a short break, or put my feet up. Physical, Mental, Social and Spiritual health all matter to me now. Yes… spiritual… I don’t plan to break God’s laws in my self preservation which means if it comes to excusing myself for a nap, I do so in love and respectfully. 

It’s been an interesting day. But this pretty much sums up my motives today. Pregnancy has humbled me in beautiful ways I didn’t even imagine possible, even in the need for a nap or a vaccine jab. 

5:30pm

- Pregnancy Diaries || Thursday, 17th June, 2021 || 15 weeks, 2 days

Kind to Me

After all the running around yesterday coupled with the traffic jams, I’ve broken down. 

Lying on my bed knowing I may join all calls lying down, mentally scrubbing things off my to do list at work that don’t fit “Urgent and Important”. I know I have to go brush my teeth so I can eat but it’s feels like a feat. 

It’s 8:13am and I only seem to have the energy to get up and pee. Thankfully, I grabbed my breakfast things before Ariel begun his video calls. I’m exhausted. Just exhausted. 

But I’m also kind to me. Not feeling guilty, or refusing to feel guilty at any point. I put in extra hours to get Tuesday’s meeting through…. Working late on Friday and Monday till 1am the next day and 11:30pm respectively. Even without being pregnant that is tiring enough. 

Today is for baby and me. I shouldn’t get to the point of breaking down totally if I can help it. I still remember who’s number one now and it isn’t me. If it’s not urgent and important, God willing, we’d live to fight another day. Today I give myself permission to be and to breathe. 

8:27am

Pregnancy Diaries || Wednesday, 16th June, 2021 || 15 weeks, 1 day