Intentional

 In the midst of trying to find my feet at my new job, working on Enosua’s heArt whilst working in it, and practically staying afloat, I realised I was neglecting one thing: my family. 

Don’t get me wrong. My husband isn’t abandoned and my daughter doesn’t not know me anymore. But I did realise I had become comfortable working alongside everything! A day with the family was a day with my screens by my family. Breastfeeding Naa meant Naa saw my face less than she saw the back of my device. And now, she was so used to not making eye contact that when she did, she could look on listlessly as if I didn’t exist. 

Our other “twin” baby would barely calm down if he were upset and I tried to console him. Not so for Ariel, the relationship had been built to be different. 

I used to be happy when Naa cried for her Dad instead of me. It was the sound of upcoming relief from minding her. Freedom to get along with other things. 

But now I realise that we do not reap where we do not sow. Even with babies. It’s not Naa’s responsibility at this age to invest in our relationship. It’s mine. And I should invest in the relationship I want to have. What we feed grows, what we starve dies, and I know the road I was on was full of hunger strikes when opportunities to be well fed abound. 

So Naa, now I look into your eyes much more when you breastfeed. I cuddle you close when I can. I shut the laptop for you or move towards you if work has to eat into your time because it isn’t theirs. I pause work for you after working hours, I come at your call to be held, to be fed because it’s your time not theirs. 

I’m more intentional now, because I don’t want to lose you having created that loss. I want to be the change I want to see. I want to be close to you and that starts each day. So I draw close. I’ll invest our time in you. I love you. 

You’re important to me, our relationship is too, the relationship with our family is as well, and now I’ll be more intentional… because I can’t miss this, miss you, miss all this whilst I’m right here. 

Intentional… 

23:45

Mompreneur/Sidepreneur diaries | Monday, 26th September, 2022 | Baby at 10 months, 1 week, 1 day