I remember being guilty, so guilty I could not do anything about my sin. I would cry about it, pray about it, and do nothing about it. I would be exhausted and continue in my aimless work. Then I learnt that guilt hinders... So what did I do? I went to the other extreme: I was brazen faced and overconfident!!!
The Bible talks about brokenness... the way I missed... I read about it, but was always in a hurry to ever live it, but in the end never really lived it. I wanted to get over my sin and be done with it, wasting no more time... No wonder I came back to it. I refused to be broken. And because I was not broken, my pride remained and drew me back to my sin...
My pride was there from the beginning. In my self pity and guilt spree, she was there... telling me if I were guilty enough, I would be fine... in my shameless confidence, she was there saying if I was forceful and indifferent enough, I would be free... And I believed the lie...
David talked in Psalm 51 (NIV):
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan
came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
I refused a pruning, what I really needed.... I either starved myself to get rid of the excess branches or pumped myself with fertilizer to increase my fruit yield. Both ways I was killing myself.
I could not impose brokenness, I needed the Perfect Gardener to prune me, and pruning hurts!!! It exposes my pride, calls a spade a spade and not a big spoon. It reveals my need of Him... uncovers my foolish thinking and my wickedness in every guise. I just needed to yield myself to Him, and ask Him to break me. Now I refuse to leave His presence unbroken.... I will not leave in a hurry this time, in useless tears or foolish confidence... I will wait for Him, cry to Him, "Break me, Lord! Please break me Lord or I can not grow.... I will either grow sick or stunted till You break me, Lord!!!"
So if, per chance, you see me or any other Christian in broken tears before our Lord, in persistent need before our Lord, in resilient kneel before the cross where our Saviour bled for us, where my OWN sin nailed Him and caused Him such agony, and you deem it unnecessary or weird... I am, we are allowing ourselves to undergo pruning that we can never do ourselves. We are availing ourselves to be broken by the Perfect Potter... We are subjecting ourselves to the necessary pain that brings true productiveness... We are choosing to grow according to His Word, not ours of ease.... definitely not mine of ease: satisfying my defunct conscience or ignoring my wrong. We are praying not to be deceived but relieved. We want our God to take over and get rid of our nonsense, willingly bearing His chastening rod under His ever loving hand, letting HIM have His way, not creating our own. We are crying to the loving Lord to be broken, so we can grow....
And you...???
Yes, who else...???
What about you...????
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